It's true that both men and women have uncertainties in their relationships. Women seem to have an easier time opening up about what those are to their partners, and it's more socially acceptable to do for them — so long as they don't come across as too needy.
Men, on the other hand, have insecurities that are thrust upon them since childhood, and they seem to have a harder time shaking them. They are taught that they need to "measure up" — and I'm not talking about the size of their hands.
Societal definitions of male success and the need to have a veneer of keeping it all together reinforce any doubts they already have.
Most men's fears are imagined and unfounded. Sadly, their flawed mindset and limiting beliefs are potentially keeping them from entering into a relationship or connecting deeply with their partners and enjoying their lives more fully.
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And by keeping these fears bottled in, they are crippling themselves and their relationships, too. They assume women judge men for these insecurities. It's not surprising that they sometimes allow their insecurities to manifest in unproductive ways such as indecisiveness, jealousy, controlling behavior — even withdrawal.
If they only knew what their strong women were thinking!
Here are 7 baseless, yet common insecurities of men:
1. Financial stability and responsibility
This fear is a big one with complexities on many levels. Many men wonder if they are financially secure enough.
Men of our generation grew up seeing their fathers as the primary breadwinners. It may be inconceivable to some of them that they might not be.
But women's entry into the paid workforce has lifted barriers and shifted family dynamics. Although there is significant work to be done to level the playing field, many women earn as much as or more than their partners.
John says, "I love that my wife is growing her career as an architect. She's smart, dynamic and independent. But part of me wonders how I'll feel later. If my career in finance doesn't progress as fast, and I don't have the same earning potential, will she continue to respect me in the same way?"
Let the other guys worry about this, John! Your significant other might just design your love nest. How cool!
In my coaching work, I hear men grapple with this all the time, especially if they've been laid off work. They see so much of their self-worth wrapped up in providing for their family, and suddenly they feel diminished.
The reality is that one partner may work at one time while the other is at home taking on the job of managing the family; and at another point in your relationship, the roles may flip when it makes sense.
Men have a notion that they need to be financially stable before they commit to a woman.
"What if we get married, have a family and I’m not really able to provide for a family? I don’t want to be that guy with the baby crying and the debt collector calls," wonders Art. "My friend's wife left him for a wealthy financial advisor."
Men are afraid to tell their partner when they've hit a rough patch financially.
I regularly hear about men who are scared to tell their wives that they've lost their job or had a significant expense that has set them back. But hiding something so important can start unraveling the relationship. Women interpret withholding information as a lack of trust in them.
Straight talk: Women want to be in a partnership.
Do you think you have to lavish your lady with expensive gifts and earn enough to show her a good time? Maybe someone who is solely out for your bank account, not your average girl! Besides, there are many reasonably priced, creative date and gift options. A woman worthy of you will value your time, not your money. In fact, women leave men mostly because the relationship lacks intimacy.
As well, your partner's participation in outside work and a successful career doesn't have to take away from yours. Her accomplishments and financial contributions to your family don’t diminish yours in any way. Do you think less of your wife for making less than you? Or is what she contributes to your life so amazing that you couldn't do without her?
Unless you're truly a sloth (and really, sloths are only good for animated kid's movies), she will respect your drive and determination — and everything else that you bring into the relationship. If it's a partnership and each person is getting what they need, there shouldn't be an issue. Trust her and let her be there for you, too, occasionally.
Bottom line: Soulmates view life as a journey with ups and downs, challenges and successes. You and me for the world!
2. Career choice and progression
Men worry about perceptions that their careers are boring and going nowhere. My career coaching clients regularly bring up concerns about lack of promotion.
Dominic, 35, says, "I dread telling the women I meet about my job. They think that by my age, I should be at least a manager by now."
Millennials generally expect progression more quickly than other generations. They are so used to change at lightning speed, and they figure change should happen rapidly in their work life also.
Straight talk: Organizations are flatter and jobs are broader than they once were. And, besides that, everyone has a unique set of skills and talents that they bring to the world — and that includes you.
Think about your career less than a series of progressive steps up the ladder and more in terms of a set of rich experiences, relationships built, contributions made, and accomplishments celebrated.
Not everyone has or wants a regular office job. In fact, there has been an explosion of job types in the past decade alone. Just look at O*NET online, and you can find detailed information on almost 1,000 occupations. People now can work virtually, too, giving
Keywords: insecure, insecurities, men, what men think
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